For the past few months, I’ve had this sensation in my chest.
It’s restrictive, it’s tight.
It makes it harder to breathe deeply and therapeutically like I can't quite access the full extent of my lung capacity. The pressure adds discomfort, but somehow, I'm getting through my days barely acknowledging the tension so obviously present in my body. It’s only when I pause to intentionally check in with myself that I'm floored by how loud my body has been crying out to me.
Isn't it both profound and devastating how much the body endures. How so many of it’s messages are pushed down and buried. I sense it in my muscles, the layers of feelings accumulating without real process, morphing into dense knots that weave into the aches and pains that I grumble about every week.
This feeling I've been sitting with, if I had to name it, it would be grief. That's what feels like is being communicated to me and when I say it out loud, my body sighs in exhausted response.
This grief is so nuanced and developed. It’s for a multitude of reasons both personal and also, I imagine, something felt by the collective - to say we've all had a wild ride the past few years is an understatement, with the rollercoaster of ‘unprecedented times’ not appearing go slow down any time soon.
When I visualise this grief in my body, I see it as an inflated balloon, trapped between my heart and lungs, full of tears that I just cant seem to cry. As It gradually expands, filling with more tears, the weight on my chest gets that little bit heavier with every drop. It's size threatens to explode and yet somehow, even as my chest gets more tired under the strain I'm still able to contain it, just.
I don't feel like I'm consciously holding in the tears but I'm having trouble releasing them. This numbness that I've mistaken for strength, is so tied up, there doesn't seem to be any space to unravel. Maybe it's fear that's holding it together, fear that once I start It might not end and then what does that look like? How can I move through my days, be there for my family and parent my children if I'm a sobbing mess?
I already know the answer, and I know It starts with crying. I know that once the tears come, the flow will lighten the burden on my chest and the welcomed relief might mean im able to breathe a little deeper. But even as I say this I can immediately list off three reasons why it's not practical to break down right now and I shake it off, hoping that movement alone might shift something.
Being off balance or in a funk, has clouded over my days and kept me in a place of dissociation so distracting that I’ve fallen back into a place of disconnection with myself. Yet I've also been buried in all the books, podcasts and workshops - all without giving time to the actual practice that goes along with the theory.
I've forgotten that healing isn’t measured, that there is no rushing nor is there any completion because It's a constant journey. So I have had to remind myself that my addiction to acquiring more information shouldn't be done to only achieve the best version of ‘project me’ or to be monetised in a way of service to others, but only when I can take in the actual teachings. I often get so preoccupied with being proactive in my learning that I don't honour the lessons that come with pausing, with being present, with just living. I'm very much all in my head even when I know that I can't think my way to a place of more alignment no matter how hard I try, instead I have to feel it. It’s why the practice of somatics has been so intriguing to me lately. The understanding of embodiment has become deeply integral to my interpretation of healing.
And It's so ironic that in an attempt to better myself, I have also somehow forgotten myself. Even though my capacity to stand in my awareness of un/learning has no doubt grown over the years alongside my inner standing of emotional intelligence, I still, am only human. I still regress back to patterns that don't serve me.
The pattern that I’ve recently tuned into, is the whispers of the unkind inner voice. You know, the voice that has an exhaustive list of should do’s and should not’s, it’s tone
tainted with judgement and shame.
I have all these roles that I play and I want to be the best in all of them but when I feel inadequate or ‘unproductive’, I quietly berate myself for falling short in just about everything. I haven't been extending to myself the same grace that I give to others. The same kindness that I know quietens those harsh words.
I think it's a common trait of those who are always in the state of giving, forgetting to include themselves not as a priority but as the priority. Something I am still finding out how to ground myself in.
I noticed that I started to become frustrated that my procrastination, laziness and avoidance were parts of me that I ended up using as an excuse to blame my shortcomings on.
Yet, this perspective didn't allow for an intersected lens to guide its understanding, for it failed to acknowledge the real impact that the struggles with mental health can play in how you show up in the world. That unmet needs, can in fact create what we believe to be personality traits. And as a sleep-deprived breastfeeding parent to two little kids, I have many unmet basic needs that affect my day-to-day experience.
Partaking in the cruel cycle of self-critique that I had gradually normalised, meant I overlooked how the messages I had been sending myself were greatly lacking in compassion and profoundly removed from love. I had disregarded the impact of depression, lack of deep restful sleep, being postpartum, breastfeeding and round-the-clock parenting had on my body. Outside of my home, the normalised non-humanistic social ways of life, the effects of climate change, the pandemic, the political nightmare(s) and the never-ending exposure to experiences of capitalism, white supremacy and patriarchy, are also all regularly contributing to the tears in the balloon.
Without boundaries and practices, it’s exhausting for the mind. It’s taxing on the body and It’s draining to the spirit. Essentially, it’s burn out.
So to live under these multiple loads that weigh me down and still expect myself to thrive is like planting a seed in a box with no sun, no air and no water and getting mad when it doesn’t grow.
I've been reflecting on how I can tend to my soil when it feels like I haven’t any to cultivate. What kind of nourishment will allow me to flourish?
So lately, I have managed to pause long enough to recall the wisdom that my irritation, my resentment, my shame and my sadness is all a form of communication. That in all the places I feel a scarcity, a longing or a limitation, is in fact where I must first look to begin to provide care.
I have to regularly remind myself that only my self-reflection of myself is what matters. And even then, every story I tell myself isn't always true, sometimes narratives need to change or adjust to accommodate a deeper understanding. So when I find myself looking down the road of comparisons, even to myself, I note that my self-worth is not tied to a fragile structure of external validation.
My timeline, everyone's timeline, varies, and the communal and structural challenges we are up against are not built to serve or honour us. So to hold on to these unattainable standards and diminishing beliefs in the name of worthiness is to uphold and reinforce the harmful systems of oppression that were bred from the germs of colonisation.
Starting inward, with multiple levels of awareness - personal, physical, emotional, mental, intergenerational, social, cultural and spiritual - I have begun to lay down the deep tender care that’s needed to each stepping stone of my life experience, that ultimately, my path to healing is built on.
It's not just about radical self-love and being in the full awareness of what choices contribute to my stagnancy. It's also acknowledging that this shit is hard. Man it's fucking dragging me! Healing isn't fun, in fact, it rarely is but the peace it provides is what I want my ‘normal’ to look like.
Healing also isn’t linear. There will be times where I forget all that I know because (as I'm currently learning right now) some healing has to be experienced before it is understood. Some learnings have to be embodied before they are actualised. Because healing is a practice, and that means I have to keep at it every day until its habitual occurrence becomes my typical custom. I hate the rigidity of routine but crave the steady predictability that comes with grounding rituals.
So I'm being conscious of what energy I'm around or not around. I practice sitting with the feelings I notice arise in me and what information it could be feeding to my body. I try and process whatever comes up for me, both mentally and physically with an awareness that holds compassion at the centre. I move and stretch my body in a way that feels restorative and I'm leaning more into joy and the things that keep me in a place of softness and ease.
I want to be clear in my intentions that I am not trying to heal from being human, nor ignore the very real world around me. I want to prioritise me so that I can exist free from the learned conditions and beliefs that would have me restrict, criticise and deny my humanity.
That's what healing is to me. I am nurturing a deep sense of self love that only I have the power to maintain. So these thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions that contribute to my grief, my frustration, my stuckness ... All of it requires tending too.
I heal because those in connection with me deserve it and I want to be proactively reducing the harm I may be inflicting on others with my projections, but mostly, I heal because I deserve it. I am in a season of deep reflection and any time I am able to sit with tough moments and find a way to anchor myself is a step towards personal liberation and Audre Lorde taught us that caring for ourselves is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.
I am worthy and deserving of healing for no other reason than that it is my birth right and I do this with the knowledge that I may not always reap what I sow on this journey of growth, but that the future generations after me will bear the fruit of the seeds of healing I am planting now.
That is why I heal.
So I devote myself to this lifelong journey of healing, acknowledging that I may even lose myself in it for a while but the only constant that I have to promise to revert to, is to find my way back. Committing to remembering all that I am and all that I don’t have to be.
And if I do get lost, if my practice goes awry, if I'm overwhelmed and the weight feels too heavy to carry, I will place it down and I will look to love and the many forms it takes until I feel it's remedying warmth in my body and simply begin again.
A sharing…
Process:
When I think of how to care for myself, the metaphor that resonates most with my visualised growth, is to look at myself as a developing plant in a garden of abundance and the most important thing to a garden is the environment.
So to tend to my soil, I must:
Be open to all the weathers.
Have the capacity to hold all of the emotions in life without being buried by them. Remaining both committed and flexible.
Keeping the balance.
Bringing into awareness what depletes means what nourishes me.
What my Yes and what my No feel like and finding what keeps me satisfied.
Find nourishment.
Food, music, stories, poetry, TV, Film, art. Keeping close with daily doses of all the things that feed wonder, pleasure, inspiration and connection.
Keep rooted.
Practising rituals that keep me grounded.
Coming back to my core values and sense of purpose.
Remembering to be close to earth whenever possible. Earthing is a great practice.
Turning in new directions for growth.
Welcoming transformation. Absorbing and processing all experiences and using the knowledge to notice when I feel stagnant or stuck and exploring other ways to reignite my energy.
I invite you to adopt or personalise this metaphor or even create your own.
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Practice #1 :
This is a co-practice done with nature.
You can use the ground preferably somewhere grassy/with soil or if not possible /don't feel called too - you can be near plants or sit just with yourself as you are too a part of nature.
Next, decide which is your giving ear and your receiving ear OR decide which is your giving hand and which is your receiving hand.
Sit in a quiet calm place where you feel safe enough to relax into your body.
Take a breath here.
When you are ready, lie down on your back in a comfortable position.
Take another breath.
Turn your head so your giving ear is placed to the floor. Here, unburden yourself as you visualise letting out all that has been held within you. You can do this silently or out loud. The earth is deep enough to absorb all you do not need.
(if you are doing inside with plants, place your giving hand on the plant/in the soil/on the pot)
When you are ready, turn your head so your receiving ear is placed to the floor.
(again, if you are doing with plants, place your receiving hand on the plant)
Here, listen to what message the earth has for you. The thoughts and sensations that come to you are reminders of what you need for replenishment and restoration.
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Practice #2 :
Noticing the small joys in my daily experience is a practice I've been doing for almost 2 and a half years.
I have cultivated the ability to find and be present with the moments that bring me joy in each day, even on the days where they don't always seem obvious. From drinking a hot tea in the quiet of the late summer afternoon to dancing in the kitchen with my kids, bringing awareness to these moments have helped me hold on to a gratitude that previously would have passed me by.
I share snippets of my small moments of joy in a weekly reel on Instagram every Sunday. I invite you to try this practice yourself & share your own! I always love hearing about other peoples small joys, I find we all feel a little lighter when we can genuinely be in other peoples joy. That ‘ I love that for you’ energy because the personal is also communal.
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Reminders :
You are a person not a project. In this moment and every moment, you are enough.
Let tenderness be your place of restoration.
Reframe doing your best.Instead do what you can.
The stories you tell yourself may not always be true but the emotions you feel are.
May your healing be continuous through the ebb and flow of life.
Healing is an affirmation of existence against the matrix of domination.
May your motivation to fill your cup be for you to experience fullness. Serve not from pouring, but from your overflow.
Reflection prompts :
How do you tend to your soil?
What are the seeds of thought you plant every day?
How can you set up your expectations to be in line with your resources, capacity and boundaries?
Today I will tend to my needs by____
I will listen to my body by_____
Even on my tough days, I will remember_____
Inspiration/ Quotes :
“Nothing I accept about myself can be used about myself to diminish me” - Audre Lorde
“When the fresh wind comes with your name on it, receive it”- Dr Thema Bryant
“Start where you are” - Yolo Akili
(All The words & work of Alex Elle)
“Healing comes in waves, and I'm allowed to feel every rise and every fall of my tide.” - Alex Elle